Another shit day in suckville...I need out of this.
Or maybe I need to just stop bitching about it and fix it. I am sure that our relationship struggles are not only K's fault...as much as I wish I could wash my hands of all blame...I can't.
K's napping now, our daughter is occupied with Max & Ruby on t.v. (by the way...I cannot fucking stand Max&Ruby) And the boys arent home from their various weekend sleepovers yet.
I'm going to go for a run and pretend this isn't my life.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Do I call off the wedding?
Lately I have been wondering if getting married is the thing to do.
We have lived together for 7 years, and believe me had our trials....we have broken up several times.
During the breakups Kevin has moved out and to his mothers house, until things settle and he comes home....the longest absence was over a year. He still remains in the childrens lives but not in mine.
I was happiest last summer when he was gone to be honest. But then getting back in the dating game was too crazy for me....who wants to play all those games when you can skip that part?
I think I was happy because honestly I didnt have the kids everyother weekend and I was able to go out and do as I pleased....even if sleeping in was what I wanted most. There was no one there to make me feel guilty for not getting up and making breakfast.
The only downside was that I had to enter into the work force again... I never went to court for child support because I thought that that battle would be the nail in the coffin for Kevin and I and honestly I wasnt ready for the split to be permanant.
I hated working...when Kevin was home I stayed home with the kids so I didn't have to get up at 5 am just to shower and have the kids ready for school on time.
But I liked having my own money, and keeping the house clean was no problem. ( Kev comes home now and dumps his stuff where he stands, he litteraly leaves a trail of stuff behind him once he enters the door)
However, I began to miss little things about Kevin.
. The way he looks when he sleeps
. His cuddly-ness
. The way he interacts with the kids
. And most of all, his abilty to care for all of us and never complain.
My heart won out in the end and he came home in November of last year.
As you would suspect things have been fine. In the "honeymoon" stage again I guess.
So we decieded to quit screwing around and finally get married and "make it work"
I feel like ever since that day I have regretted that decision.
I can't really put my finger on why, but everyday there is something that makes me not want to be with him, let alone marry him.
Help.
We have lived together for 7 years, and believe me had our trials....we have broken up several times.
During the breakups Kevin has moved out and to his mothers house, until things settle and he comes home....the longest absence was over a year. He still remains in the childrens lives but not in mine.
I was happiest last summer when he was gone to be honest. But then getting back in the dating game was too crazy for me....who wants to play all those games when you can skip that part?
I think I was happy because honestly I didnt have the kids everyother weekend and I was able to go out and do as I pleased....even if sleeping in was what I wanted most. There was no one there to make me feel guilty for not getting up and making breakfast.
The only downside was that I had to enter into the work force again... I never went to court for child support because I thought that that battle would be the nail in the coffin for Kevin and I and honestly I wasnt ready for the split to be permanant.
I hated working...when Kevin was home I stayed home with the kids so I didn't have to get up at 5 am just to shower and have the kids ready for school on time.
But I liked having my own money, and keeping the house clean was no problem. ( Kev comes home now and dumps his stuff where he stands, he litteraly leaves a trail of stuff behind him once he enters the door)
However, I began to miss little things about Kevin.
. The way he looks when he sleeps
. His cuddly-ness
. The way he interacts with the kids
. And most of all, his abilty to care for all of us and never complain.
My heart won out in the end and he came home in November of last year.
As you would suspect things have been fine. In the "honeymoon" stage again I guess.
So we decieded to quit screwing around and finally get married and "make it work"
I feel like ever since that day I have regretted that decision.
I can't really put my finger on why, but everyday there is something that makes me not want to be with him, let alone marry him.
Help.
My First Post - A little background
I wonder if I will EVER get this whole mom thing under control.
This is not the life I wanted, or pictured myself having ten years ago.
But at the age of 27 and three children later, being a mother is FINALLY growing on me.
My eldest son Bentley lives with his father in the town next door from us. We don't see him much, maybe once a week, and this bothers me. I had him when I was 19 and his father was in the Army. I raised Ben on my own while his dad was on deployment in Bosnia. When he came home, Ben was 6 months. We started having problems right away and I knew that it was only a matter of time before he and I split. Getting married was probably the biggest mistake of my life. I HATE HATE HATE to admit it but.....I should have listened to my parents.
While my husband was away, I was unfaithful to him. I didn't sleep with anyone else, but I did have an emotianal relationship and connection to a friend I have had since high school....Kevin.
Seven years later, Kevin and I are engaged to be married this September and we have two children together. Kaleb, 6 and Beverly, 3. I guess you could say things worked out for the better, or at least they would seem to an outsider. But I have struggled with the decisions I have made.
When I found out I was pregnant with Kaleb I was enrolled in hairdressing school, and Kevin was working for his uncles moving company. Since Bentley was with his dad half the time, Kevin and I were able to live ourlives as if we had no children most of the time. We moved out of our parents houses and into an aparment of our own. It was a DUMP, and our landlord was more of a slumlord. Shortly into my pregnancy I withdrew from school, another HUGE mistake, and Kevin got a job working for a scaffolding company. I don't think either of us were happy to be having a baby, our own faults obviously.
After Kal was born, things were the worst they ever were. I was home during the day with him and not working. Kevin got home from work around 4 everyday and I was eager to hand the baby over. Kaleb wasnt an ordinary child...he had colic. AWFUL colic.... For 8 weeks, we got ZERO sleep and took it all out on eachother.
Kevins argument was that he was the only one working and he had to be up at 5:30 am. So when the baby woke screaming at 1 am it was my duty to take care of him.
On the flip side, I was the one home with him alone ALL DAY.
Kevin won the argument most nights and I was up dealing with the baby. Finally when he outgrew the colic stage things went back to normal.
Kevins work was booming and he was doing really well so we moved to a bigger nicer apartment.
Two years later Beverly was born. I can honestly say that was the happiest time of my life thus far. She was a planned baby so that was different. It's easier to swallow being pregnant when you actually want it to happen. And she was the opposite of Kaleb, happy as a clam and sleeping through the night at 6 weeks old. I attribute most of her good behavior and happy demeanor to breast feeding.
Yes, I breast fed. At the age of 24 I made the decision to breast feed. All of my girlfriends were grossed out, and even my own mother would not be in the same room when I fed Bev. But after the horror story that was Kaleb's infantcy I had read up alot on colic and things that can help. And the number one "guess" as to the cause of colic is gas in the belly....eliminate bottles you virtualy eliminate gas bubbles.
Worked like magic for me.
Some time has passed and like I said before, Kevin & I are planning on being married this September.
We could have gotten married years ago, but I wanted a big wedding and a pretty dress and all those little details girls dream of their whole lives. I had the simple wedding at the town hall in front of a J.P. and I don't want that again.
Bentley is in 2nd grade, Kaleb is in Kindergarden and Beverly stays home with me everyday.
Lately I have begun to question my purpose. I have never been one of those mothers who are happy to stay home with the kids and do nothing but arrange playdates and sleep overs. Don't take that statement the wrong way... I WISH I were like that. I just don't think I have it in me. I have been feeling pretty down on myself lately about where my life is going.
Kevin has his career, and thank God he does because it affords me the luxury to live in a nice town in a nice house with nice things. But I want my own job and career....the only job I can get is waitressing... I have ZERO experience in anything work related. I thought about going to college to be a nurse. Then when I really think about it do I have the time? Between Karate classes for the boys, and tea times with Beverly I barely have time to get the laundry done.
I made an appointment for Monday to go interview with a hairdressing school in my area. Maybe thats an easier option than a 3 or 4 year program at a college. If I went to hairdressing school full time I would be finished in 6 months. So we will see how this appointment goes.
Thats all I have time to post for now, Bev has finished breakfast and I am going to take her to the gym for a swim before picking Kaleb up from school this afternoon.
This is not the life I wanted, or pictured myself having ten years ago.
But at the age of 27 and three children later, being a mother is FINALLY growing on me.
My eldest son Bentley lives with his father in the town next door from us. We don't see him much, maybe once a week, and this bothers me. I had him when I was 19 and his father was in the Army. I raised Ben on my own while his dad was on deployment in Bosnia. When he came home, Ben was 6 months. We started having problems right away and I knew that it was only a matter of time before he and I split. Getting married was probably the biggest mistake of my life. I HATE HATE HATE to admit it but.....I should have listened to my parents.
While my husband was away, I was unfaithful to him. I didn't sleep with anyone else, but I did have an emotianal relationship and connection to a friend I have had since high school....Kevin.
Seven years later, Kevin and I are engaged to be married this September and we have two children together. Kaleb, 6 and Beverly, 3. I guess you could say things worked out for the better, or at least they would seem to an outsider. But I have struggled with the decisions I have made.
When I found out I was pregnant with Kaleb I was enrolled in hairdressing school, and Kevin was working for his uncles moving company. Since Bentley was with his dad half the time, Kevin and I were able to live ourlives as if we had no children most of the time. We moved out of our parents houses and into an aparment of our own. It was a DUMP, and our landlord was more of a slumlord. Shortly into my pregnancy I withdrew from school, another HUGE mistake, and Kevin got a job working for a scaffolding company. I don't think either of us were happy to be having a baby, our own faults obviously.
After Kal was born, things were the worst they ever were. I was home during the day with him and not working. Kevin got home from work around 4 everyday and I was eager to hand the baby over. Kaleb wasnt an ordinary child...he had colic. AWFUL colic.... For 8 weeks, we got ZERO sleep and took it all out on eachother.
Kevins argument was that he was the only one working and he had to be up at 5:30 am. So when the baby woke screaming at 1 am it was my duty to take care of him.
On the flip side, I was the one home with him alone ALL DAY.
Kevin won the argument most nights and I was up dealing with the baby. Finally when he outgrew the colic stage things went back to normal.
Kevins work was booming and he was doing really well so we moved to a bigger nicer apartment.
Two years later Beverly was born. I can honestly say that was the happiest time of my life thus far. She was a planned baby so that was different. It's easier to swallow being pregnant when you actually want it to happen. And she was the opposite of Kaleb, happy as a clam and sleeping through the night at 6 weeks old. I attribute most of her good behavior and happy demeanor to breast feeding.
Yes, I breast fed. At the age of 24 I made the decision to breast feed. All of my girlfriends were grossed out, and even my own mother would not be in the same room when I fed Bev. But after the horror story that was Kaleb's infantcy I had read up alot on colic and things that can help. And the number one "guess" as to the cause of colic is gas in the belly....eliminate bottles you virtualy eliminate gas bubbles.
Worked like magic for me.
Some time has passed and like I said before, Kevin & I are planning on being married this September.
We could have gotten married years ago, but I wanted a big wedding and a pretty dress and all those little details girls dream of their whole lives. I had the simple wedding at the town hall in front of a J.P. and I don't want that again.
Bentley is in 2nd grade, Kaleb is in Kindergarden and Beverly stays home with me everyday.
Lately I have begun to question my purpose. I have never been one of those mothers who are happy to stay home with the kids and do nothing but arrange playdates and sleep overs. Don't take that statement the wrong way... I WISH I were like that. I just don't think I have it in me. I have been feeling pretty down on myself lately about where my life is going.
Kevin has his career, and thank God he does because it affords me the luxury to live in a nice town in a nice house with nice things. But I want my own job and career....the only job I can get is waitressing... I have ZERO experience in anything work related. I thought about going to college to be a nurse. Then when I really think about it do I have the time? Between Karate classes for the boys, and tea times with Beverly I barely have time to get the laundry done.
I made an appointment for Monday to go interview with a hairdressing school in my area. Maybe thats an easier option than a 3 or 4 year program at a college. If I went to hairdressing school full time I would be finished in 6 months. So we will see how this appointment goes.
Thats all I have time to post for now, Bev has finished breakfast and I am going to take her to the gym for a swim before picking Kaleb up from school this afternoon.
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