I am considering becoming a missing person...

Ok...so last night I got ZERO sleep.
I had a nightmare that the photographer for the wedding didn't show, and no one in attendance brought a camera.
It felt so real, I was so relieved when I woke up that I could have sung a show tune.
Then as soon as I fell back asleep I started dreaming again. This time, my wedding cake was in the shape of a boat. Honestly..a boat? We don't even own a boat.

This was around 4 am, and I haven't been back to sleep since. I turned on the night side lamp and started reading my book. Jodi Picoult - Vanishing Acts. ( I hope I am spelling her name right, i dint have the book handy at the moment)

In the book the main character Delia finds out that her father kidnapped her when she was a small child and moved to New Hampshire. She thought her mother died in a car accident when she was a baby, but that was just her fathers cover story.

This whole wedding thing has me envious of this alter life. Would it be possible for Kev & I to pack up the kids and move away where no one would ever see us again? Sounds sad I know. But honestly, besides friends and MY family we have no one here. His mother and family thinks we are a joke.
Tuesday was my middle sons 6th birthday and K's mom came over for a small cake. She did not even say HELLO to me. I pretend that it doesn't bother me but it genuinely does. I am so sick of talking to K about it because all he does it get mad at me. He doesn't let it bother him and thinks that I should take the same approach. But being a woman means that I have feelings that are capable of being hurt.

I really want this wedding to go off without a hitch and show K's family that we deserve happiness and their blessing. But part of me hopes that their response cards come back with the words..."unable to attend"

I have no clue how we are going to pay for this. Getting married fast seemed like a good idea 6 months ago, and now that all the final balances are due. . . we are broke.
I am working as much as possible.
Then not to mention K's brothers wedding is next Friday. The final head count of their wedding is 201 people. And the final cost was $275 a person. It is traditional that you give them $ in the amount of their per/person total? That's the rumor going around anyway.
So that would mean that K and I would need to shell out around $500 as a gift to them. Not to mention the $$$ I spent on their shower present, and the $200 a piece it cost K and our son to rent tuxes to be in the wedding.

I am sure it will all come together. . . i hope anyway. It's really sad to me that I just can't wait for this whole thing to be done and over with... : (

And So I Return....

These past few weeks have been a JOKE. I am honestly wondering why we didn't decide to elope!
The invitations finally went out....whew.... (and I am not gonna lie and say that I didn't have a minor heart attack as they slid into the mailbox)
I knew the wedding could be called off if we hadn't mailed the invites, but now it would just sound stupid.
I have thought in the past that getting married was a bad idea and lately I have been thinking the same.
I don't think I feel this way because of my relationship with K...because for the first time in years I am genuinely happy! ...however, my libido is wanting other men. Is this normal?
Sometimes I wake up from dreaming of my boss, friends, random men...and get disappointed when I roll over and touch K instead of the man or men I was dreaming about.
My boss has been in my dreams on more than one occasion.
You all know that I have a minor thing for him ha ha...
Usually in my dreams we are just out with people from work having a few cocktails until he and I are the only ones that remain. Then he professes his love for me and we have a wet make out sesh....nothing below the belt at this point but stay tuned.

I can't help but think that this is just "my version" of cold feet. I've always been a sexual person and I think the impending marriage has me paranoid that I'll never have another dick again. * Pardon the vulgarity*

Whatever....aside from the fact that my brain below the waist doesn't want to get married...everything is going as scheduled.
The Princess' wedding is next Friday...joy.
I have nothing to wear. I have been scouring websites trying to find something that resembles formal but doesn't make me look like I am trying too hard.
Feel free to make suggestions.

I have another hair and makeup trial that day. I'm not sure how I felt about the first updo, it was kinda 90's prom style...and I'm more vintage style.
The makeup was horrible, i didn't look like myself at all....i am going to a swankier place next week so hopefully these ladies wont look like drag queens.

All there is to do right now is wait for the response cards to come back and pray that about 20 or so people can't make it!~
Our final guest list was 185 and the reception venue only holds 160...whoops!

busy

It's been a while since I have posted. Working like crazy, and then doing all kinds of random wedding stuff...
I have a few minutes now but I am so glued to this Michael Jackson Memorial thing on T.V.
I still can't believe he died.
I am not the type to cry over a celebrities death, but I am genuinely saddened by this.
The poor guy went through some horrible trials and tribulations in his lifetime. And it makes me angry to hear the people that remember him for the molestation trial and not for the incredible music he made.

Ok, clean slate

Ok...so to my readers...mostly Mia and Pink teacup...<3

I deleted all my posts about Princess...and I have decided to weed out the bad feelings I have for her.
Mostly because I feel....guilty. And to be truthful, Jealous.

She has her life, I have mine, and they are incomparable...

I am sure there are reasons for her to be jealous of me, and I need to take the higher road and not be so petty about my insecurities...

Thank you for listening to all my rants, and I appreciate your support...

Much love, much, much love.

Wedding invites....

Ok ladies...you asked for it...here are the pics of my wedding invites...

They are STILL not completely put together and I have to send them out next week...

wish me luck...

figured it out!

So....I figured out how to post pictures...heres one of me and K....now i need to upload the pics of my invites for all you to see!

Yikes!

I have no idea who I am anymore.... Can you help me?
Where is the brooding bitch that I see in the mirror everyday?
Fuck My Life...am I actually happy?!

I know its only been a week or so but honestly, me working has changed my whole outlook completely!
I'm not home enough to be totally consumed by the stress of child-rearing, and I don't work enough to not have time with my family.
Perfect balance.
I contribute this fact that I flirt immensely with my new boss....lets call him Todd, and I have landed an excellent schedule.
Sunday - Off....I LOVE this, Sunday Funday = no work. Come football season I will be knuckling buffalo wings and beer...without having to find coverage for my shift.
Monday - Work the lunch shift, out by 5.
Tuesday - off
Wednesday - night shift...starts at 5 and I'm home by 10
Thursday - night shift...and I get to work in the lounge area, so I cocktail waitress...meaning I bat my eyelashes and shake my ass to all the 30+ men out looking to escape life, or their wives.
Friday - off ...I may be a mother of 3 but I also like to go out and get completely smashed once in a while.
Saturday - Double...this is the only day that sucks.. but I worked last night and made $400. Thank you very much!

So thanks to my good looks and charm I have the best schedule in the joint. Todd is so cute. Wish he wasn't married, and wish that I wasn't about to be married. ha ha
He's a little overweight but I am not one to be a stickler for shape. As long as you re not over 300 lbs I'm game. Its more about personality for me. Granted, his mushy lips and sparkling blue eyes are what drew me to him in the first place, but its his puppy dog demeanor and laugh that hooked me.

I know what you re thinking...I am not planning on breaking up his marriage and or my relationship, it just gives me a sense of excitement to get to work and look decent, and run circles around the other waitresses.... always the competitor.

I'm a big girl now!

So. . . I started my new job last Thursday.
Waitressing at a sports bar that just opened a couple towns over. This sports bar has two other locations in Massachusetts...and they do extremely well..
If this past week is any indication, the new location will be just as busy.
I love having money in my pocket. K would give me money if I asked but I always feel guilty.
He goes out and works in the sun, snow, and rain...and I just spend his money. That's how he feels anyway.
He grumbles about every little penny i ask for. Generally its to feed our children, or to put gas in the car. He always gives it to me...but not without some flack. And FINALLY I don't have to ask him for a cent.
The only down side to this whole work thing is that I NEVER see K.
With the exception of Sunday I have worked everyday since last Thursday.
He comes home from work at 4:15 and I leave the second he has his boots off. The earliest I am home is 11pm and K is wayyyy beyond lights out at that point.
I can't even tell you the last time we had sex!

The point to my story here is that this whole work thing has helped me realize something...I really do truly love K. If i didn't I wouldn't miss him as much right?
I HATE to admit it but I am actually missing his smart ass comments and remarks.
Typically these remarks are enough for me to launch a hard object at him, yet I constantly replay them in my head.
Don't you think its funny that the things that make you fall in love with someone often turn out to be the very things that make you hate them?
But if you step back for a moment and remove yourself from the situation you will fall in love with a persons quirks all over again.


* I apologize to my faithful readers who were expecting this blog to be full of my usual banter and bitching...I'll be back to my usual self soon.
: )

Please RSVP

One of my bridesmaids came over for dinner tonight....turkey tacos. Effing delicious...I had like seven, no lie.
After dinner she asked how the wedding plans and stuff were coming...I told her that everything was all set. I just needed to figure out a way to pay for it all. I have gone a TAD bit overboard with the whole budget. Overboard meaning - I never established one.

So besides the whole 20k in the hole, all I have left to do is assemble the invitations.

Yes assemble. For those of you who are not married yet, like my pink teacuped friend http://thegirlwiththepinkteacup.blogspot.com/, trust me...go for the invitations that are printed on one piece of paper.
I went for the pocket invite. Its pretty, and it says ..hey look ..i spent $800 on invitations...don't you want to be me?
Honestly the only reason I picked these ones, besides the fact that they are gorgeous... Is because K's brother is getting married 5 weeks before us and his fiance is the epitome of the urban princess...
Everything revolves around her.
Her parents are paying for her wedding and there has not been a request that they have turned down. Nothing is too expensive for their baby.

I , on the other hand , am paying for EVERYTHING alone....well I should say K is paying for everything.
he he he he

But...is it awful that while I was sitting here tonight attaching glue dots to the backside of the invites, I was imagining my life somewhere else....WITH someone else?

I love K, I do...but marriage? Ugh...just saying the word makes me feel like a 90 year old woman.

Is it possible to be sexy and fun while your a married mother?

In the name of love

I just started following this blog http://tovadarling.blogspot.com/2009/06/tovas-totally-awkward-tuesdays.html
And "Tova" requested that her followers post an awkward story in their blog..
Here is mine.

A few weeks ago, K got home from work early. The boys were still at school and our daughter was down for a nap. We decided to lay down ourselves.
If you re a woman and you have the time during the day to lay down and rest that is exactly what you want to do. REST.
But in "man-world" resting is just a shorter name for afternoon delight.
I am not gonna lie, it felt good to be completely naked in the middle of the day. Our usual sex routine is late at night when the kids are asleep and the most clothes that come off are one leg out of my pants. Sexy right?

So whatever back to the point...During this sex-sesh I was on top and K's hands had a vice-like grasp on my ass...( too much info probably but I need you to visualize this to really get what happens next) ...and when we finish I roll over and lay on my back.
All is quiet until I hear a tiny little voice...my daughters...whispering in her daddy's ear.
What did she say you ask?
"Daddy, stop squeezing Mommy's butt like that, be gentle."
Then she gives us this knowing look and leaves the room.

I am mortified and swear to never have sex again unless the kids aren't home.
K is hysterically laughing...I'm sorry did I miss something? Our three year old just witnessed something she shouldn't have. The worst part about it is...she gave K pointers!

Now every time she comes up behind me she gives my ass a pat and says "see...gentle."

Perceptive child.

Holy Shit!

Would you believe me if I told you that I am up , showered, and ready for the day! ?
It's 10 am here...and usually right about now I am still in my pajamas lounging on the couch.
Not today! I decided I was going to try something different.
I got up, made the kids breakfast, got the middle one on the bus.
Then I did two loads of laundry...actually folded them and put them away. Usually I would just leave the clean clothes on top of the dryer and root through it for something to wear. Eventually K would get sick of it and fold them himself.
Maybe he is right... I am lazy.
Whatevs...last load is in the dryer now, dishes are done and I am immaculate.
Maybe K would pay more attention to me if I didn't look like a bag of smashed assholes every time he saw me.
Seriously, most days when he gets home I am still in the clothes I slept in.
The kids are always taken care of and clean but I just don't have the energy to do it for myself.
But today I feel hot. My wedding diet (not eating) is working and I am down 3 more lbs.
Hair is dry, little swipe of mascara and I am ready to tackle those "trophy wives" I run into at Kindergarten pick-up.
Then it's off to the grocery store so I can get the stuff needed to make a good meal for the fam. Hell maybe I'll even take the kids out to lunch.

Only set back of today is that my babysitter for my hair school apt. cancelled on me.
I will have to reschedule but I WILL make it happen.

Whew...I need a nap.

Hit the pavement

Another shit day in suckville...I need out of this.
Or maybe I need to just stop bitching about it and fix it. I am sure that our relationship struggles are not only K's fault...as much as I wish I could wash my hands of all blame...I can't.
K's napping now, our daughter is occupied with Max & Ruby on t.v. (by the way...I cannot fucking stand Max&Ruby) And the boys arent home from their various weekend sleepovers yet.
I'm going to go for a run and pretend this isn't my life.

Do I call off the wedding?

Lately I have been wondering if getting married is the thing to do.
We have lived together for 7 years, and believe me had our trials....we have broken up several times.
During the breakups Kevin has moved out and to his mothers house, until things settle and he comes home....the longest absence was over a year. He still remains in the childrens lives but not in mine.
I was happiest last summer when he was gone to be honest. But then getting back in the dating game was too crazy for me....who wants to play all those games when you can skip that part?
I think I was happy because honestly I didnt have the kids everyother weekend and I was able to go out and do as I pleased....even if sleeping in was what I wanted most. There was no one there to make me feel guilty for not getting up and making breakfast.
The only downside was that I had to enter into the work force again... I never went to court for child support because I thought that that battle would be the nail in the coffin for Kevin and I and honestly I wasnt ready for the split to be permanant.
I hated working...when Kevin was home I stayed home with the kids so I didn't have to get up at 5 am just to shower and have the kids ready for school on time.
But I liked having my own money, and keeping the house clean was no problem. ( Kev comes home now and dumps his stuff where he stands, he litteraly leaves a trail of stuff behind him once he enters the door)
However, I began to miss little things about Kevin.
. The way he looks when he sleeps
. His cuddly-ness
. The way he interacts with the kids
. And most of all, his abilty to care for all of us and never complain.

My heart won out in the end and he came home in November of last year.

As you would suspect things have been fine. In the "honeymoon" stage again I guess.

So we decieded to quit screwing around and finally get married and "make it work"

I feel like ever since that day I have regretted that decision.
I can't really put my finger on why, but everyday there is something that makes me not want to be with him, let alone marry him.

Help.

My First Post - A little background

I wonder if I will EVER get this whole mom thing under control.
This is not the life I wanted, or pictured myself having ten years ago.
But at the age of 27 and three children later, being a mother is FINALLY growing on me.

My eldest son Bentley lives with his father in the town next door from us. We don't see him much, maybe once a week, and this bothers me. I had him when I was 19 and his father was in the Army. I raised Ben on my own while his dad was on deployment in Bosnia. When he came home, Ben was 6 months. We started having problems right away and I knew that it was only a matter of time before he and I split. Getting married was probably the biggest mistake of my life. I HATE HATE HATE to admit it but.....I should have listened to my parents.
While my husband was away, I was unfaithful to him. I didn't sleep with anyone else, but I did have an emotianal relationship and connection to a friend I have had since high school....Kevin.
Seven years later, Kevin and I are engaged to be married this September and we have two children together. Kaleb, 6 and Beverly, 3. I guess you could say things worked out for the better, or at least they would seem to an outsider. But I have struggled with the decisions I have made.
When I found out I was pregnant with Kaleb I was enrolled in hairdressing school, and Kevin was working for his uncles moving company. Since Bentley was with his dad half the time, Kevin and I were able to live ourlives as if we had no children most of the time. We moved out of our parents houses and into an aparment of our own. It was a DUMP, and our landlord was more of a slumlord. Shortly into my pregnancy I withdrew from school, another HUGE mistake, and Kevin got a job working for a scaffolding company. I don't think either of us were happy to be having a baby, our own faults obviously.
After Kal was born, things were the worst they ever were. I was home during the day with him and not working. Kevin got home from work around 4 everyday and I was eager to hand the baby over. Kaleb wasnt an ordinary child...he had colic. AWFUL colic.... For 8 weeks, we got ZERO sleep and took it all out on eachother.
Kevins argument was that he was the only one working and he had to be up at 5:30 am. So when the baby woke screaming at 1 am it was my duty to take care of him.
On the flip side, I was the one home with him alone ALL DAY.
Kevin won the argument most nights and I was up dealing with the baby. Finally when he outgrew the colic stage things went back to normal.

Kevins work was booming and he was doing really well so we moved to a bigger nicer apartment.
Two years later Beverly was born. I can honestly say that was the happiest time of my life thus far. She was a planned baby so that was different. It's easier to swallow being pregnant when you actually want it to happen. And she was the opposite of Kaleb, happy as a clam and sleeping through the night at 6 weeks old. I attribute most of her good behavior and happy demeanor to breast feeding.
Yes, I breast fed. At the age of 24 I made the decision to breast feed. All of my girlfriends were grossed out, and even my own mother would not be in the same room when I fed Bev. But after the horror story that was Kaleb's infantcy I had read up alot on colic and things that can help. And the number one "guess" as to the cause of colic is gas in the belly....eliminate bottles you virtualy eliminate gas bubbles.
Worked like magic for me.

Some time has passed and like I said before, Kevin & I are planning on being married this September.
We could have gotten married years ago, but I wanted a big wedding and a pretty dress and all those little details girls dream of their whole lives. I had the simple wedding at the town hall in front of a J.P. and I don't want that again.
Bentley is in 2nd grade, Kaleb is in Kindergarden and Beverly stays home with me everyday.
Lately I have begun to question my purpose. I have never been one of those mothers who are happy to stay home with the kids and do nothing but arrange playdates and sleep overs. Don't take that statement the wrong way... I WISH I were like that. I just don't think I have it in me. I have been feeling pretty down on myself lately about where my life is going.
Kevin has his career, and thank God he does because it affords me the luxury to live in a nice town in a nice house with nice things. But I want my own job and career....the only job I can get is waitressing... I have ZERO experience in anything work related. I thought about going to college to be a nurse. Then when I really think about it do I have the time? Between Karate classes for the boys, and tea times with Beverly I barely have time to get the laundry done.
I made an appointment for Monday to go interview with a hairdressing school in my area. Maybe thats an easier option than a 3 or 4 year program at a college. If I went to hairdressing school full time I would be finished in 6 months. So we will see how this appointment goes.

Thats all I have time to post for now, Bev has finished breakfast and I am going to take her to the gym for a swim before picking Kaleb up from school this afternoon.